“My daughter made an amazing jump into the pool the other day. I said, ‘You’re so brave.’ She said, ‘No, I was scared.’ I said, ‘That’s why you’re brave. If you weren’t scared, you wouldn’t be brave at all. You’d just be dumb.’”—Mary-Louise Parker
A sore throat means cancer until the doctor says “don’t be stupid.”
No one can say I’ve failed except me, artistically, because no one knows my ambitions. They don’t know what I was trying to do.
Whenever I hear someone on TV or a comedian called a “genius,” I think, Medicine lost another one. You musn’t put even someone as great as Larry David alongside Newton.
Newton couldn’t tell a joke. He’d fluff every line, but he had other strings to his bow.
Stand-up is the last bastion of self-censorship outside the novel.
I never forget that I’m still a real person in the real world. I never completely suspend my disbelief in art.
The funniest person you know isn’t a comedian. He’s a friend of yours or a family member, because of the absolute wealth of input you have together, the two-way connection.
Americans are told they can be the next president of the United States. In Britain, we’re told, “It won’t happen to you. Don’t be stupid. Don’t even try.”
I’m overwhelmed with feeling when I see a mountain or a dolphin, or when I think of how amazing evolution is. I just now that it wasn’t made by design, that’s all. And I know that when we die, we’re dead. But love isn’t an illusion.
Hell is guilt.
Music is still to me the greatest art form. I’m in awe of it. A chord can make me feel sick.
Intelligence is certainly linked to violence in hominid evolution, because we were born without armor and claws and teeth. So we had to work out ways to live and to kill, and we were great at it. We’re the best at it.
If you’re going to try serial killing, do it properly. Don’t just kill ‘em. Kill ‘em, fuck ‘em, eat ‘em. If I was a judge and you came to me and you’d killed twenty people, I’d say, “Did you fuck ‘em and eat ‘em?” and you said, “No,” I’d say, “Get out of my fuckin’ courtroom.”
I have a gym in my house. The thing is, though, I’m only trying to live longer so I can eat more cheese and drink more wine.